This Impossible Love
by marcasite
Summary: Because needing her this much scared him beyond reason


_For Kellyannie who had given me the prompt **devil**. This is a follow up to **After Tonight**_ and **_Stay the Night._**

_Thank you Joyce._

He shouldn't be this needy. When he was around her he shook with a tangle of lust and love. He could take care of the lust part but he knew the love was something he couldn't allow to happen. He didn't want to need her but realized that she was his obsession, his puzzle and he realized that he wanted to live this obsession, even for just a little while.

For a moment, House rested the back of his head against the sofa and closed his eyes. For so long he'd refused to acknowledge his loneliness, the desire for a connection. Connections were for other people and he constantly brushed away the small olive branches that Wilson continued to extend to him. House sighed; he still wasn't sure why Wilson kept trying. Even before the infarction, he had thought of his life as utterly apart from others carefully maintaining his distance. Even with Stacy.

And all along, like a powerful underground river, his need for love flowed until it had found the right place to come up into the light. His need for Allison betrayed everything he thought he had believed in. Distance, disassociation, barricades. It couldn't last. The connection had to be severed and this river had to dry up.

Because needing her this much scared him beyond reason.

House opened his eyes at the feel of Allison's hand against his cheek. Her gaze was soft. He covered her hand with his, then turned her hand around to lace his fingers through her, He brought the back of her hand to his lips. She whispered, "Why would you rather be so alone?"

"You can't miss what you don't know. Do you want to know what a perfect world would be for me? For us?" She nods. "In this perfect world, I realize what I am missing and it's in my grasp. I find you and I'm not going to let you go. I take you out every night. I watch you work, accompanying you to conferences. I follow you around all day and make it clear to everyone that I am staking my claim to you. Like now, in this other world it's mid-December when I start courting you and on Christmas Day, I give you a diamond ring and ask you to do the honor of becoming my wife. We marry on New Year's Eve and we make love that night, fireworks exploring all around us."

House closed his eyes at her gentle gasp. "You get pregnant right away. Every night we make love and every day I watch your body change as you carry my child. When our baby is born, you hold us both in your arms and the three of us are together, connected by something deeper than love."

Allison cried out softly and his heart pounded as he turned his head to kiss her fiercely. She clung to him and he finally lifted his head and looked down at her for a long moment, letting her see his pain and regret.

"But," he said finally, harshly, "that's not the way it's going to be. This isn't a perfect world, Allison, and I haven't lived a perfect life. You think you can heal me, change me by the simple power of your love and hope but that is just another fantasy. I _will_ walk away from you. I _will_ hurt you, as hard as I try not to. This is all I can offer you. Right now. Will it be enough?"

He could almost feel the intensity of Allison's gaze. Her eyes moved slowly, giving off glittering shards of light with each movement, looking deeply into his. Her gaze roamed over every inch of face, as if to measure his resolution.

House was used to hiding his feelings. It was harder with Allison. Before her, he'd have denied having any feelings at all. So now he showed her the smooth, hard façade of his resolve. She mustn't have any illusions. They could be fatal to her and to his sanity.

"What will it be, love. Yes or no?"

Suddenly, Allison expelled her breath and softened in his arms. She brought a hand back to his cheek and a silvery tear slipped out and coursed down a smooth, ivory cheek. She held his gaze with hers and he could read everything of her character in it.

The character that he constantly mocked but was what attracted him so strongly to her.

Strength, courage, understanding.

She tried to smile but it was a weak effort and it shook him to the core. He felt like something evil, something dark for doing this to her but it really was the only way he knew how to protect himself. And in the end, it was about protecting himself from her. Because he knew she would break him.

"Yes," she whispered and lifted her mouth to his.


End file.
